The Vipassana tradition that
took me towards an Inner journey!
(1st
to 12th July 2015)
I knew that the wandering
bug under my feet will take me to the right place one day. And thanks to this
sweet little bug that led my steps to the Golden Pagoda last year for a weekend
outing, where I came to know about Vipassana Meditation for the first time.
Something touched me and I felt like I must do this. But there were so many
doubts and apprehensions that I kept on procrastinating my decision to actually
do it. I consulted so many of my knowledgeable friends about this and from
everywhere I got the positive push. But when I came to know about the code of
discipline, I asked myself these questions~ can I remain silent for 10 days?
Yes, I can remain silent for lifetime. Can I live without dinner for 10 days?
Oh well, that's tough but I can manage. Can I live without my phone, books and
notebooks for 10 days? Yes, that's the easiest for me. Can I stop practicing my
religious rituals like praying and chanting for 10 days? Yeah, that also I can!
Can I stick to one place for 10 days? Oh well, I cannot imagine myself doing
that, for it would be the toughest thing for me to do so. I would get so crazy
and restless even when I do not go out for 1 or 2 days, and you are speaking of
10 days at a stretch? I was shaken for the very thought of it, and kept
postponing it for next time and next time for more than one year. And one day I
met a gentleman from Laddakh at the premises of the pagoda where I took my
sister and her friend for a visit. This stranger called me and talked to me for
a while, and in 10 minutes conversation, he kept saying again and again, “You
must do this. You must do this for sure!" I said, “Yes, definitely!" It’s
how finally I registered for the course, keeping every apprehension at a bay
and got the email confirmation for the same 3 weeks before the course. Then again
so many mixed emotions started dwelling in me, but I decided not to back out;
and with these stock of mixed emotions I set out for mission "Inner
expedition" on 1st july. While waiting for ferry at Gorai jetty, I met a
girl named Dorina, who came all the way from Bulgaria just to do this course! I
went, “Wow! It’s truly said,” If there is a will, one shall find the
way!" I felt motivated, and left some of my apprehensions at the jetty only,
and we travelled to the Tapobhumi together. So, here goes the account of some
of the aspects of the course and my experience, though I might miss upon so many of other
important aspects as I couldn’t write any stuff there, as it was completely
forbidden and I have all the human tendency to forget all the details of all 10
days. :-)
Day
Zero to 3rd (Aana pana) (1st to 4th July)
The reporting day at the center was considered as Day 0. We reached there before 4 pm, completed our
registration formalities, deposited our valuables, got rid of the religious
symbols like Prayer beads and sacred thread, were allotted rooms and had some
chit chat with other mediators. There was complete segregation of men and
women, from residential quarters to dining halls, though all would assemble
together for group mediation at Dhamma hall. At 6:30 pm there was pre course
talks, where we were told about do’s and don'ts including observing of 'Arya
maun' (noble silence) that means observing silence of not only speech but of
mind and body as well, and that consisted of no eye contact also with other mediators,
though one can speak about ones’ problems and ask questions to the assistant teacher,
which also were limited to whispers only. Never mind, I can observe noble
silence for eternity! Then at 8 o'clock we were taken to Dhamma hall
(meditation centre), where the course commenced with pre-recorded audios
of Acharya Goenka ji, who made us take
refuge in Buddha, Dhamma, and Sangha (Note : No religious and sectarian element
in it) We were told to close our eyes and focus on our breathing. As I was
completely unfocused, my mind started wandering so much with so many of random thoughts one after the other that I couldn’t feel
my own breath. On day first at 4:00 am the morning gong woke us up, and then at
4:30 am we assembled in the Hall and concentrated on our breathing only. This
concentration of our mind on our breathing was the first step towards realization
of the natural tendency of our senses. We were not allowed to consider any
image or use any counting or control or regulate our breathing. Aana pana
consisted of observing of flow of our breath in and out in its natural state,
letting it come naturally, whether from right nostril or left nostril or may be
from both the nostrils simultaneously. It was real tough for me initially. Though
I do meditate daily, but I count numbers with that or sometimes consider the
image of some God, but Guruji clarified that by using images and other stuffs,
our concentration level might increase, but we lose the direct contact with our
breathing, thus losing touch with the reality, and never realizing the truth directly. My mind would be running in never ending thought processes, jumping
from this universe to that universe in seconds, and most of the times singing songs; I just realize how the song ‘hui
hui mei toh hui shayrana hui’ kept ringing in my head initially. At one
point of the time my mind was singing so loudly that I felt that at any moment
it will start coming out of my mouth, and just to avoid that circumstance to
arise, I would change my posture again and again and would open my eyes so little
that nobody would notice it. On day second, going a step ahead, we were instructed
to feel the touch of the breath, in and out in our nostrils and just below the nostril;
that was another hard task. Our breath flows so softly that we don’t realize where
it strikes. Once I was just in my wandering mind stage that I saw myself and my
brothers’ stuck in some road block at our Kinnaur Road, and then suddenly I felt
a jerk and just realized that it was just a dream and I already went into a
deep sleep. I sighed and again concentrated on my breath. Day 0-2 was complete
failure for me. Then day 3rd was another tough day, when taking us
to another level, when we were told to take our attention to the triangular part
consisting of entire nostril and above the upper lip, and observe the sensations
objectively, whatsoever they may be, without judging and reacting towards them.
Oh good, I got some itching sensations, and felt tempted to scratch when Guruji
told us not to do anything, for it’s the nature of the sensations to arise and end,
and we humans have made it’ our natural habit pattern to react to sensations quickly.
I didn’t scratch and after a little discomfort it got evaporated like a bubble.
I felt happy, but again Guruji told that we should not analyze the sensations
as good or bad, and just observe them objectively at their present moment’s
truth and be fully aware of the truth that whatever sensation it might be, the
main nature of it is to appear and disappear. Then I recollected the words from
some Dhamma book on Budhism that I read long back that ‘everything integrates to disintegate’ and that’s the essence of Dhamma,
which was there in my intellectual knowledge but hasn’t reached the subconscious
knowledge as I had never experienced it directly.
Day 4th to Day 9th (The Vipassana Days)
Before noon of day 4th, we
were told to focus our attention towards smaller triangular part consisting of
edges of our nostrils and above our upper lip, and observe the sensations over
there. Again it was real hard to focus on that smaller part, and except for
some itching sensations I could feel nothing. May be my mind needed more focus
and concentration. I tried harder to concentrate and what I saw was images of
so many faces, I had never seen in my entire life and 4 monks in white robes
trying to cross a river by a boat getting drowned. I opened my eyes with a
thumping heartbeat and realized that it wasn’t a dream as I wasn’t
sleeping at all. Then again my mind started analyzing and recollecting the
words of Dr. Brian’s book 'Many Masters many lives, where he refers such
experience to the fragments of memories that we carry from our past lives. But I pushed that
thought as far fledged imagination, though I do believe strongly in past lives,
reincarnations and laws of Karma. I tried to re-assure myself that I wasn’t
here to feel some regressive experiences to past lives, but to learn the true dharma
in its purest form. After opening my eyes for a few seconds and looking at the
other serious mediators’ for a few minutes and trying to get some motivation
from their positive vibrations, I stretched my legs for a while and then again
got back to work. Now this time my attention went to the severe pain in my
entire body. My legs didn’t pain that much severely even during my Mountaineering days. (Sigh) Those four days were real hard, and I felt like
quitting at some points. Hmm
Then
later in the evening, when we were made to take formal request to teach us
Vipassana Tradition, by observing five precepts, we were instructed to direct
our entire attention from the top of the head to the tips of the toes part by
part, and feel the sensations at every part of our body, and we were instructed
that whenever we came across a blind spot, we must accept the fact that we
were not able to feel any sensations there and after spending a minute or two
focusing on that area and even after two minutes if we don't feel the
sensation, we were told to accept the fact and move ahead to adjacent parts,
without any trace of disappointment by maintaining equanimity with the awareness of
law of impermanence. The real Vipassana had started, which meant ‘to observe as
it is (the true state of being)’ and the previous 4 days were our preparation
for entering to the Vipassana tradition.
Vipassana
is not only an exercise in sharpening one’s awareness of sensations; it is also
an exercise of increasing one’s equanimity to sensations. We had to learn not
to judge or react to any sensation, be it pleasurable or painful. So on day
fifth we were made to take resolve to maintain the principle of Aditthana (Strong
determination) for the rest of the course duration by maintaining one posture
for one hour thrice a day. As until now we had been changing postures every now
and then, this resolve of one posture for one hour, which was quite painful,
gave us an opportunity to observe the pain directly, and slowly I could
feel the painful sensations and tried my best to observe it objectively,
without reacting to it or judging it as good or bad. On day 6th, we were told
to move our attention with a focused approach from top of the head to toes
downwards and then upwards, and then on day 7th to move our mind from two sides
of every parts of the body symmetrically, and by day 8th we were instructed to
feel the free flow of sensations throughout the body. By then my mind got quite
trained and focused, that I could feel sensations all over the body, except for
few more blind spots, but I wasn't disappointed as Guruji says again and
again,"Samta banaye rakho. Neither
generate any craving for good and pleasurable sensations, nor generate any
aversion for painful and gross sensations. Just observe them and their nature
objectively by maintaining perfect equanimity with the awareness of law of
nature, i.e of impermanence; anichya, anichya."" And wonder not,
by then all the pains in my legs, joints, thighs and shoulders felt as if I was
just seeing the pain objectively, like the pain wasn't a part of my body and
even as if the parts of body were not mine. i was feeling no pain at all. But as my mind was not accustomed
to this much of training and focus, I felt my entire head throbbing. The nights
were quite restless, as I wasn't able to sleep properly. And when the morning
gong rang after 8th day, I couldn't wake up and bunked the early morning
sessions of 4:30 to 6:30 am for last 3 days. I felt guilty, but sleep was also
necessary, and literally I would have slept for 2-3 hours during those days.
And yes we were allotted shunaygars or meditation cells from day 5th onwards where we could do individual meditations. On first day I felt so disturbed and suffocated
as it was quite dark, small and enclosed that after 15 minutes of failed
attempt I went back to the Hall. But what I was learning there didn't teach us
to feel discomfort, pain and fear, rather it taught us to observe everything as
it is and maintain equanimity, so on day 6th I went again, and after some
initial discomforts I could sit and meditate for an hour. That's a big
achievement for a person like me! And when I started getting the benefits of
Vipassana’ I couldn’t wait to share it with my family, friends and everyone and
to tell them to do this course for sure. There was so much truth in each and
every word Guruji spoke. He equated this 10 days Meditation to a very deep
"surgical operation of our mind", and operation it was, for
by focusing our mind on the sensations running down our body, and by observing
them in their true nature objectively, without judging them as good or bad, and
by being completely aware of the fact that it's impermanent and by keeping
ourselves detached to all the sensations, we can free ourselves from most of the
pains of our lives. Most of the pains we go through in our lives are because of
our own reactions to some outside image only, because of our own ego and
attachment towards our body which itself is made up of atoms and sub atoms and
true nature of which is impermanence. So by knowing this universal law of anichya,
and by realizing the truth within ourselves, when we stop giving importance to
negative things, people and situations, we automatically stop reacting to them,
and can stop our mind from becoming restless and impure and we can stop so many
of new sankaras to build up, whereas the old stock of sankaras and impurities
will automatically get eradicated. When we stop reacting to situations as
they happen, the negative emotions from the past would start to bubble up to
the surface. Our suffering is akin to a burning fire and that every time we
react negatively to a situation, circumstance and people we add fuel to the
fire. As we continue to have negative reactions to situations, we continue to
add fuel to the fire, and the fire never burns out. But if we stop reacting,
however, the fire will not get enough fuel and in the process it will get
eradicated completely. We are unhappy and miserable not because of a person or
situation outside us, but because of our own inability to see or find the truth
within us. Like our physical pains, our emotional pains are also nothing but
the sensations'. And on day 9th Guruji instructed us that whenever we feel the
free flow of waves of subtle sensations all over our body in some nearby
future, we can move our focus by piercing and penetrating deep and feel the
inner sensations, and observe them objectively with an equanimous mind with the
awareness of true law of anichay. As I tried to focus and move my mind by
piercing and penetrating deep down, I felt a tinge of tear in my eyes, and I
wasn't sure whether some deep rooted emotion came up on the surface or it was
because of too much of pressure that I was putting on my mind. I just stopped
and accepted the fact that it wasn't the right time to go that deep and far,
for I was just a beginner, who has just started the crawling stage. Guruji also
didn't focus too much on that aspect at that time, but made us aware of the
fact that a stage will come one day by continuity of our practice, when all the
deep rooted emotional pains which had piled up deep within our subconscious
minds will also come to surface from our past, not only of this life but from
so many of previous lives and by observing the same equanimity we can peel
layers after layers of those emotions and sankaras, and free ourselves from the stocked up baggage’s,
which due to over accumulation over the years has walled up and made us unable
to listen to our subconscious mind and made us ignorant of our own real selves. Our
conscious mind is aware of the surface knowledge and the bookish knowledge,
which doesn't reach down our subconscious mind. So Vipassana teaches us the
same knowledge at experiential level, which we all know at intellectual and
logical level.
Day 10th (Metta Day and Pagoda Darshan)
Metta day or matrita
Sadhana, was observed in the morning, and after that the noble silence was broken.
We took the resolve to share the merits that we have gained with others. Guruji
exclaimed that a point comes when all the negative emotions get eradicated and
then flows a fountain of pure and compassionate love from within us that we feel like
sharing all the positiveness and compassionate love to the other creatures without
expecting anything in return.
"I pardon all those, who have
hurt me directly or indirectly, knowingly or unknowingly by the acts of their
body, speech and mind!
i seek pardon from all
those, whom I have hurt directly or indirectly, knowingly or unknowingly by
the acts of my body, speech and mind!
No one is my enemy. All beings
are my friends!
May all beings be happy, peaceful and be liberated!" :-)
It felt very difficult to
speak after giving complete rest to our vocal cords for 10 days. I felt my
voice was choking and shaking. I called my sister and told her that all went
well and couldn’t speak much as I was mumbling. It wasn’t only me, but all the
other girls whom I talked to felt the same. We were given enough time and space
to re-acclimate to the outer world, after getting out of ICU after a major surgical
operation of our minds by giving us time to talk to each other and share each other’s
experiences and by taking us for the Pagoda darshan, when we felt like we were
on picnic and could get back to our normal lives. I got so many texts on my
phone, but my mind still wasn’t ready to reply to any of them, so I replied to
all the texts today, when I was travelling back home. But my mind still is so
heavy, and yes it will take time to come out of the after effects of the
operation. I haven’t slept properly for so many days, and last night was the
extreme, when I couldn’t sleep for even a single second. On my initial days I wasn’t
able to feel any sensations and last night what I felt was sensations throughout my body, in Guruji’s own words ‘Tarange
he tarange, lehrein he lehrein!
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| "After the Silence!" |
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| "An environment so peaceful, where not even a single trace of negative energy can enter!" |
I got more than I expected
from this course, and I wish and pray that each and every single person on
earth gets the opportunity to learn the art of inner journey and gets same
benefits of true Dhamma and be free from all the miseries. I am full of
gratitude to the forces that pulled me towards Vipassana Sadhana. I got my
share of inner journey, but what are you guys waiting for? Just book the ticket
and travel your own outer as well as inner world, which is so wide, so deep and so full of mysteries. Travel to unravel the mysteries and find your own true self.
Since this is a gradual and step by step process, which might take us years,
ages or may be many more earthly births, the sooner you start the better! Be
your own liberation! Work out your own salvation! Be happy and peaceful! :-)
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| "The Pagoda at night; spreading lights of Dhamma!" |
